and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
