I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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