cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize