Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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