Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
