Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
