Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
