is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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