the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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