I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
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and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
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She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.