like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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