btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
