I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
