I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
