Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
my poor anus
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
