I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
