I just threw up on my dentist
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
