It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
