I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
