the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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