I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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