I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
