she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
