it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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