omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
