if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Randomize
