his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
