I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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