god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize