All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Randomize
