that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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