Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
