Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
