Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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