yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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