I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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