Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Everyone says I win the strip club
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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