Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
