I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Randomize
