It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
