I accidentally burped into my bong.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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