3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
