My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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