u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
