She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize