dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Oh god it's open bar.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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