I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
