i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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