I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
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At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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