I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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