we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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