between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
