I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Don't make out with my wife yet
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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