We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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