i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
